Ohio Valley Haunts

HAUNTED HOUSE REVIEWS
HAUNTED ATTRACTION
THE DARKNESS
Ohio Valley Haunts
DARKNESS RATING: 9½
Reviewed 2012
The Darkness
LOCATION & ADMISSION INFO:
1525 South 8th St.
St. Louis, MO  63104
(314) 241-3456
Fri/Sat 9/14-10/13 & every day in Oct beginning 10/12
$23 ($30 VIP) / Child $20 ($25 VIP)
click logo to visit their website
REVIEW
THE DARKNESS:  The Darkness Haunted Attraction initiation takes place through heavily veiled hallways leading into a crypt with animated graveyard dwellers popping out from every angle, and advances into a mausoleum of mechanical skeletons arising in front of your very eyes.  Decapitated heads swing in front of one’s face as the journey through the world of the undead forges ahead, and the ceiling joins the moving path with a Hellacious spiked surprise from above!  Defying the unearthly catacomb leads the course into ancient Egyptian tombs, where mummified bodies reach out towards frightened patrons, and the eerie spirits of pharaohs plague the fearful environment.  A quick journey through an oblique torture chamber witnesses evil souls dismembering helpless victims, and leads to a scene of a treacherous swamp that comes alive with alligators chomping loudly while attempting to feed on fresh meat in the midst of powerful waterfalls.  Snakes slither along in accompaniment, deviantly hissing their deadly poisons onto intruders, who are focused only on carefully making their way through a room compromised with dead bodies and even three-headed, viciously growling dogs!  A giant scorpion, and discontented dinosaurs coming out from every dark crevice guard the escape route across an unstable bridge, where the route is once again lined with corpses in tandem with gargantuan spiders weaving deadly webs to trap new, unsuspecting prey!  Navigation continues up a stairway to the next level of The Darkness, where leaves, branches, and decomposed chickens swing directly into the path, and a CGI surprise of zombies crowd a beckoning window.  Hillbillies screech “sooey!” as thrill seekers scaffold their way past a talking monster animatronic, and trek into a graveyard with spooky ghosts appearing in mirrors.  The living dead exit their coffins attempting to strike up unsettling conversations, as more snakes and ghillie suited cretins maliciously appear.  A Victorian drawing room accentuated with mysterious bookcases and skulls of ancient beasts is up next, then a library CGI surprise introduces an easily conquered mirror maze highlighted by haunting laughter echoing in the background.  Living portraits, splashing CGI's, and a funeral parlor harrowed by creepy organ music segues into another section of the spooky mansion themed with living statues, vibrating floorboards, and more CGI startles.  An evil medical malpractice set comes to life, as patients are wrongfully operated on by a crazed doctor in a wicked ward inhabited by rabid dogs desperately seeking freedom from enclosed cages.  Blood and guts spill onto autopsy tables laden with recently defiled corpses, as a chain-link fence corridor combats cannibalistic minions feeding on intestines from atop elevated stoops én route to an elevator shaft CGI discombobulation.  The adventure continues into an offensive sewer of rotting carcasses, and a pig-masked fiend afflicting pain on defenseless prisoners.  Stacked barrels practically topple down from overhead, as mutant bugs emerge and provoke flight into a fiery CGI conflict with an old dilapidated car noisily honking the way into a corrupt greenhouse cultivating colossal Venus fly traps horrifically feasting on humans!  One final sepulcher remains on the horizon - this one filled with hungry flesh-eating zombies stumbling their way from their eternal caskets in a relentless pursuit concluding The Darkness Haunted Attraction.

Analysis:
LENGTH - 9½, 28 minutes .
ACTORS - 9, Elaborate costuming and make-up throughout somewhat compensates for quality of acting which is mediocre at best with very little dialogue.  Only six characters actually spoke, while the rest merely growled, offered a quick "Rah," or just stood there saying nothing.  One would expect more given the attraction's reputation.  Need better interaction and more aggressive villains to raise the score.  Total Characters = 33.
SCARINESS - 9½, Ambience of the atmosphere is amazing.  Ideal soundtrack is good and loud and combines with professional lighting to create Hollywood-style scenes one would expect to find only at Universal or Disney.  More threatening confrontations would perfect the scares.
DESIGN - 9½, The Darkness features a lengthy course lasting nearly a full 30 minutes, and dripping with detail and eye candy from every angle!  Waterfall scene with alligators is a standout , as is brightly lit "living statue" room which too is memorably impressive.  There's so much to see that picking out favorites is a difficult task.  The queue line is equally detailed, offering more waterfalls, and an interacting troll conversing with waiting patrons.  It perfectly sets an appropriate mood, letting everyone know they're about to experience something special.  Staircase between floors somewhat interrupts the continuity of the experience, and finish should be stronger and more climactic.
PROPS - 9½, Nearly everything known to man, and even some unimaginable are contained within, although some weren't in working order.  Animatronics are plentiful, and no stone is left unturned when it comes to décor.  Numerous CGI's, scorpion (along with a plethora of other monsters), and infinite zombie sewer are among many memorable standouts.
VALUE - 9½, A bit on the pricey side at $23, but keep in mind this is one of the best haunted attractions in the world!
RATING:  9½, Don't miss an opportunity to tour "America's Scariest Haunted House" if you're ever in the St. Louis area during haunt season, or during the annual Transworld convention!  And be sure to check out OVH's Joanna Rose at the 1:50 mark of The Darkness' 2012 trailer!
TERROR VISIONS 3D:  Wearing 3D glasses enhances paintings displaying vicious clowns, and taunting funny men and women trespass on all new patrons’ paths.  Circus freaks are proudly displayed in cages, and cockroaches crawl around on floor chasing one into a room with a giant spinning eyeball!   Fireballs are shot freely at all directions, and clowns play dangerously with TNT explosives.   Playful sounds of tinkling melodies of a possessed jack in the box surround, and then lead visitors into a collection of decapitated clown heads hanging from the ceiling morphing into a giant clown head surprise giggling evilly at everyone!  An ice cream truck CGI surprise with a craze killer and his helpless victims swerves dangerously, causing one to enter the automobile and allowing one to view the houses flying by through a CGI window surprise.   An announcement welcoming everyone into the “Freakiest Funhouse of Them All” encompasses more out of nowhere surprises, and heads raining down through a vortex and through more demonic clown paintings ending the journey through Terror Visions 3D.

Analysis: 
LENGTH - 7, 12 minutes.
ACTORS - 7, An ample number of clowns inhabit Terror Visions 3D, but they're silly, not scary.  Not much in the way of meaningful dialogue exists either - mostly just giggling, and an occasional crude joke.  TOTAL CHARACTERS = 15.
SCARINESS - 6, By nature, clowns houses in general just aren't very scary unless the cast is aggressively intense and threatening in nature (see above).  Sounds are complimentary for this environment, but not frightening, nor fear inducing.
DESIGN - 9, Terror Visions was one of the first 3D haunts in existence. Visual effects are elaborate and unique, and it's designed almost as an extension of The Darkness, as that attraction cleverly segues directly into TV.
PROPS - 8, Ice Cream truck and spinning eye are most memorable.  Among the industry's elite when it comes to 3D attractions, but it pales in comparison to its Darkness counterpart.
VALUE - N/A, Included with paid admission to The Darkness, thus it's not available as a separate show.
RATING:  7½, This theme comes with inherent limitations which severely inhibits the attraction's competitiveness in comparison to more frightening haunts.  It's among the best as far as 3D Clown Houses go, but there's only so much you can do with them, and they're hardly ever scary. 
MONSTER MUSEUM & GIFT SHOP: Terror Visions 3D exits into the Monster Museum & Darkness Gift Shop, where a collection of horror memorabilia is proudly displayed.   Patrons can get their pictures taken with authentic statues of The Wolfman, Creature from the Black Lagoon, Darkness from Legend, and Frankenstein’s monster.  Free photo-ops are also offered in a replica electric chair, and feel free to browse for Darkness merchandise in the adjacent gift shop.
Ohio Valley Haunts - Haunted House Reviews