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RECAP: "The Darkest Show on Earth" gets underway with its traditional shotgun “suicide” kicking off a frantic adventure that doesn’t let up until you escape the very last chainsaw. The opening leg is jam-packed with frenzied characters emerging from coffins and who knows where else, along with a multitude of enormous, animated monsters everywhere you look! A series of sick, twisted and potentially offensive skits are showcased including a diabolical doctor uprooting the guts from a recently deceased Covid-19 patient; a new “ball breaking castration; and the return of their legendary clown beheading!
“Funky like a monkey” hinders progression into a run-in with an oversized beast devouring the carcasses of barely alive women in various stages of undress scattered about its feet, then it’s onto “monster-palooza’’ highlighted by a flying pterodactyl, enraged tyrannosaurus, newborn, blue-eyed hatchlings bursting forth from their eggs, and an army of giant animatronics hell-bent on destruction! And war zone is back, complete with gunfire, a helicopter "flying" among the treetops, and incoming "missiles" from a WWII P-40 tiger shark splashing aimlessly into surrounding waters!
Other scenes include a bearskin rug surprise, and a murderous attack at the hands of “Scarecrow Grim,” who screams, “Goodbye Owen,” then thrusts a bloody axe right into the throat of some poor, unsuspecting sap! From there, a dark casket maze connects to a graveyard of trucks, where a large skull and carcass of a “dead” animal lie on a hood, bringing about an unexpected, road-kill surprise, as barrels topple down, and an all-out chainsaw ambush ensues, and sparks fly forth from the weapons of imprisoned vixens!
The creepiest music known to man beckons the course into a spooky cemetery, where an immaculate, winged creature rises up out of the darkness, and an eternal grave relinquishes an undead corpse! Stumbling onward rouses a family of redneck hillbillies that go on a chainsaw blitz, while their sister charges out of an adjacent cornfield driving a homicidal, harvesting combine!
Skeleton walls deliver the course to more shocking atrocities, including a horrifying “sexecutioner” spectacle that witnesses a jilted ex yanking off her restrained lover's "manhood;” an abhorrent, labor-induced sledge hammer "abortion," a new “Infant Baptism” gone wrong, and the notorious “chicken f*cker” plucking his way to a good time!
Still to come is an unholy church hosting a most unrighteous exorcism-like ceremony conducted by an ungodly priest who’s chaperoned by a trio of immoral nuns all worshiping a fire-lit pentagram, then a near-miss hit-and run in the midst of a rusty, old junkyard courtesy of some maniac on a motorcycle that comes speeding his way out of complete darkness!
Progression eventually leads through a spinning vortex, then into a dimly-lit chamber where an enraged barbarian clutching a chainsaw mercilessly decapitates a restrained captive before turning his attention on you! Fleeing through the crashed wreckage of Hoochie Airlines Flight 666 discovers injured passengers littering the broken fuselage, bloody stewardesses stalking now-relinquished window seats, and a gory, outraged pilot abandoning his cockpit before a multiple chainsaw chase-out of The Haunted Hoochie at Dead Acres!
ANALYSIS: Words just can’t do this place justice. As good as it sounds on paper, it’s a million times better in person! Loud, atrocious sounds accompany the experience that’s home to the largest density of animatronic monsters and the most populated cast of characters the industry has to offer. They’re aggressive – pushing, shoving, grabbing, rubbing chainsaws up and down your legs, etc., and not easily discouraged! Many are armed with various, noise-making weapons of destruction, ranging from chainsaws to spark-emitting grinders, and of course the obligatory, knives, axes. hammers, etc. Scenes push the envelope of extreme, exemplified by the shotgun suicide, sledgehammer abortion, "sexecutioner," castration, clown beheading, infant baptism, outrageous chicken f*cker, etc. - all Hoochie originals; often imitated, but never duplicated! Action-packed from start to finish, the event is like unto no other!
Touching is a bit more aggressive this season, but doesn’t go overboard as might be the case elsewhere – at attractions that thrive on this element alone. Go-go dancers perform from an elevated cage along the VIP entrance, and roaming characters entertain the queue line. Two miniature roller coasters (one over a graveyard) and the 1903 Buckeye Lake Ferris Wheel combine to form opportunistic “Kodak Moments” outside "The Haunted Hoochie Amusement Park."
The immense popularity of the event results in extremely long lines, so be prepared. This attraction usual opens its door around 8:30 or so, but be patient – you’re about to experience what’s arguably the most extreme haunted attraction in the state of Ohio; possibly the entire country! If you've never been to Dead Acres before, you don't know what you're missing! GO!!
From the moment you first set foot inside the door, your heart doesn’t stop racing until you escape that final chainsaw, and even then! The attraction has earned OVH’s coveted “Haunt of the Year” award on multiple occasions, and the case can easily be made that all other attractions are competing for second best because this place is truly in a league all by itself!!! NOTHING compares to The Haunted Hoochie!
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